The Unbearably Bad Architecture of the Afro Paradox

The most luxurious apartments in Africa

It is not in our power but in our paradox that we should search for the essence of humanity - so said Robert Ardrey, Canadian playwright and palaeontologist in the 1930s.  And so it struck me recently, as I put on a hard hat and steel-toed boots and went inspecting the site where the most expensive, luxurious apartments in Africa are being built, as we speak. 

And sigh and wonder why the rich and the foreign in the poorest of African countries still go for über bling and zing instead of going for sustainable poverty alleviation and socio-eco development. It’s like , ok, you had a 20 year civil war, millions died, it’s over now, now you’ve found oil and gas and multinationals, wanna spread the love? Hell no, let’s build luxury apartments with remote controlled curtains and heated towel racks. As that iconic South African expression goes: The rich get richer and the poor get Khayalitsha. 

Over the road, women picking clams to make a living 

And as I wander, dumbfounded, there they go, up into the Mozambican skies, twin towers, one block apartmentos, the other a luxury office “park” as they say in nouveau Afro-MICE-speak (MICE being Meetings, Incentives, Conferences). 

Team Cynical 

Here you can step out of the humidity and into your uncapped, touchpad fluffy white dressing gowns with pop-up whisky in crystal glasses, and anything else you want, just call room service, darling. And next door, the rapidly rising Golden Peacock 200-plus-bedroom hotel, conference centre, shopping mall and décor ala Chinese kitsch extraordinaire. 

It was the same thing in Lilongwe, Malawi earlier this year. We visited Umodzi Park with its similarly indescribably odd architecture. Umodzi is a Chinese-built five-star hotel – puffily called The President Walmont – that also features an Afropolitan Terrace Bar as well as a conference centre, banqueting halls, wedding decks, über cocktails and dinner venues and the apparent capacity to do anything from summits of heads of state, to weddings, banquets and concerts. Just not build a clinic, a school, a wildlife centre, a food garden, an AIDS orphanage or a hospice.

It's yours for a few bar x

We toured the Umodzi like we did the luxury Maputo apartments, hungover and cynical, oohing and aahing at the expensive-expansive views over the ancient koppies of Lilongwe and surrounds, over the melancholy Indian Ocean, over the invisible poor people, over the imported suede couches and the minimal ergonomic lines of the desks and the builders asses and the sheer bizarre Shakespearean spectacle of it all.

Book now for your Malawian banquet