Ten Rural Bars You've Probably Never Been To

Ruby Tuesday I order a Tipo Tinto, meaning island spirit, the local rum, and fall hopelessly in love with this quirky, unpretentious bar at Ruby’s Backpackers on the far flung island of Ilha de Moҫambique some 2000 km north of the Mozambican capital of Maputo. It's tucked into the heart of Stone Town on this historic island which was settled in the 8th century and is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site because of its amazing coral rock buildings and architecture. What a powerful sense of history.   www.facebook.com/pg/RubyBackpackers/about/ 

Happy mercado You must pay for the cold Dosh Em (fabulous signature Mozambican beer) but the ukulele tunes are free at this small baracas in the mercado in Bilene, southern Mozambique. Bilene is a happy, shabby lagoon 'n seaside town an hour plus from Maputo. I don’t know why, but I just love this mercado so. It makes me want to laugh and drink rum, sing songs, slap my thigh. It's a warren of stalls selling food and drink and stuff. People gather here to haggle, trade, gossip, drink beer, watch soccer and sell just about anything from cashew nuts to cell phone covers. www.mozambiquetourism.co.za

Name of the game The Hang Over Bottle Store and its adjoining beer garden is a fabulous place to have a few G&Ts if you happen to find yourself in the middle of the market in Likoma Island in north eastern Malawi. Which I do. The island is charming and lapped by the waters of Lake Malawi, lake of stars. The Malawian gin - Waragi - is clear and strong. And Likoma Island is a great address. To its north is Tanzania, to its west Mozambique, east, Zambia, and all around, Malawi. ww.malawitourism.com

And Englishmen Even though my ship has still not come in, I always love coming to this bar with its neon sign and beautiful wooden counter at Mad Dogs Café near Hoedspruit. In my years of travelling between Limpopo and Maputo, I stopped here often, either for an early coffee or a late afternoon vino depending on whether I'd come down or up the escarpment through the Strijdom Tunnels above the Olifants River. This is a classic traveller's pit stop. www.bluecottages.co.za

High on beer This is Colin Ntshangase, a cricket loving Zulu and the brew master at Hops Hollow which is at the top of the Long Tom Pass in Mpumalanga. Colin recommends the Mac’s Porter ale which he tells me he formulated with women in mind. He says it has a “malty creamy fullness, smooth as silk”. Hops Hollow, outside Mashishing, claims to be the highest brewery in Africa - it’s 2150m above sea level. www.hopshollow.co.za

Wild horse grooves We day trippers beat a steady path up the steep pass to the eccentric misty village of Kaapsehoop in the mountains outside Mbombela. The Bohemian Groove Café is the soul spot here. Kaapsehoop was once a gold rush town - for about ten minutes -  and today is famed for its wild horses and lovely walks, as well as a cast of interesting local characters, bistros, bars and fabulous people. www.bohemiangroovecafe.co.za

Change your relaxing style We take the road to Vutuwangadzebu, deep in the heart of Vhembe district in Limpopo, and end up high in the rural villages apparently very far away from everything. So it’s completely fabulous to find a cold beer and some surprised looking locals at the Speakeasy Entertainment Hub. Don’t change your lifestyle said the billboard outside, change your relaxing style. Yebo yes. www.nightjartravel.com

Ten green bottles I am very impressed by the wall of green Jagermeister bottles that forms the display at Biker’s Rest bar in Graskop, on the Panorama Route in Mpumalanga. In case you didn't know, Jagermeister is a digestif made with 56 different herbs. And this is a real biker spot, like pub and grub like, with flags and paraphernalia and stuff so don't expect craft gin or canapes.

Another roadside attraction The crazy Toeka se Dae is on the R516 to Bela Bela, off the N1 to Limpopo. The décor is wacky - corrugated iron walls, road signs turned into tables, a bright orange Shooter Bar. I have a tequila. The waitress' name is Bella from Bela Bela. She had another late night she said and recommended the freshly baked bread from the deli. www.toekasedae.co.za

  

I know I had a beer here once because I took this picture. It was en route Carolina or Piet Retief or somewhere in the wetlands regions on Mpumalanga, details sketchy. I love this mural on the walls of the Kuyawiso Tavern. I am also struck by the similarity in style to the mural below which is from a bar in northern Malawi. 

Life, art, good taste

I encounter a diversity of aesthetics in recent travels to Polokwane and Port Elizabeth, unlikely bedfellows; with some Zambia thrown in. My journey takes me in and out of Art Deco, Rococo-meets-Boere-Baroque, modern Zen Bush Chic and Hip with an African Twist. As tenderness is the grace of the heart, they say, style is the grace of the mind. Here are some of the highlights:  

Art and Life I never want to leave this place. The hippest hotel in Mandela Bay - No 5 Boutique Art Hotel in Port Elizabeth’s Summerstrand. Think luxury Art Deco designed to feel like a salon privé from those heady days in Paris in the 20s, with a Champagne Bar, period furniture and glassware, a piano, cocktails. Except you’re in PE bru, and there’s a beach within walking distance, even better, there’s a bar right next to the pool. And – faints with delight – the most fabulous collection of South African art including works by William Kentridge, Robert Hodgins, Sam Nhlengethwa and Henk Serfontein.www.no5boutiquehotel.com

Hot Desks, Good Art This fabulous photograph by Zambian-based French photographer Francois d’Elbee hangs in the main lounge of The Works, a new business space that’s part of Latitude 15 in the Zambian capital Lusaka. The Works is a first for Lusaka – a collaborative and dedicated office space offering pods with hot desking and bean bagging, similar to Soho Works in London, or We Work in New York. www.latitudehotels.com

Rembrandt Comes to Polokwane  These gold framed portraits by the famous Dutch painter Rembrandt look down from the walls of Saskia's Restaurant (named after the artist's wife and muse,) which will soon be filled with the contented chatter of the black diamonds who so love this place. They're fake paintings, I may add, not that that puts anyone off the Fusion Boutique Hotel, undoubtedly Polokwane's most luxurious, and in parts, outlandish. Try the Hollywood or Bollywood suites if you’re feeling fanciful.www.fusionhotel.co.za.

Zen Bush Chic Deliciosa I love the simplicity and modernity of the tents at King Lewanika Lodge all the way out in the Liuwa Plains National Park in western Zambia. My intrepid compatriot Sally Young and I are the only guests in camp for three days. It's a real tough job but we feel we must do it. Designed by South African architects Silvio Rech and Lesley Carstens, this is my Soul Space of the year so far. www.timeandtideafrica.com

Nautical Kitsch Pool I confess that I fall in love this with this pool at the Boardwalk Hotel in Port Elizabeth. It’s so determinedly old fashioned, so nautically kitsch, it could be straight out of a colonial yacht club. The Boardwalk is a big, busy hotel right in the middle of the beachfront hub, with lovely views of the Indian Ocean. www.suninternational.com/boardwalk/

So Long Ethno Bongo Loving the clean Swedish lines and cool colours at the Park Inn by Radisson Polokwane of all places. A gal gets tired of all the ersatz animal prints, wooden carvings and horns. I trawl around Polokwane, there are more trendy place than I realize, although many decorating atrocities continue to be committed in the name of the province’s signature safari style. www.parkinn.com/hotel-polokwane