Ten Rural Bars You've Probably Never Been To

Ruby Tuesday I order a Tipo Tinto, meaning island spirit, the local rum, and fall hopelessly in love with this quirky, unpretentious bar at Ruby’s Backpackers on the far flung island of Ilha de Moҫambique some 2000 km north of the Mozambican capital of Maputo. It's tucked into the heart of Stone Town on this historic island which was settled in the 8th century and is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site because of its amazing coral rock buildings and architecture. What a powerful sense of history.   www.facebook.com/pg/RubyBackpackers/about/ 

Happy mercado You must pay for the cold Dosh Em (fabulous signature Mozambican beer) but the ukulele tunes are free at this small baracas in the mercado in Bilene, southern Mozambique. Bilene is a happy, shabby lagoon 'n seaside town an hour plus from Maputo. I don’t know why, but I just love this mercado so. It makes me want to laugh and drink rum, sing songs, slap my thigh. It's a warren of stalls selling food and drink and stuff. People gather here to haggle, trade, gossip, drink beer, watch soccer and sell just about anything from cashew nuts to cell phone covers. www.mozambiquetourism.co.za

Name of the game The Hang Over Bottle Store and its adjoining beer garden is a fabulous place to have a few G&Ts if you happen to find yourself in the middle of the market in Likoma Island in north eastern Malawi. Which I do. The island is charming and lapped by the waters of Lake Malawi, lake of stars. The Malawian gin - Waragi - is clear and strong. And Likoma Island is a great address. To its north is Tanzania, to its west Mozambique, east, Zambia, and all around, Malawi. ww.malawitourism.com

And Englishmen Even though my ship has still not come in, I always love coming to this bar with its neon sign and beautiful wooden counter at Mad Dogs Café near Hoedspruit. In my years of travelling between Limpopo and Maputo, I stopped here often, either for an early coffee or a late afternoon vino depending on whether I'd come down or up the escarpment through the Strijdom Tunnels above the Olifants River. This is a classic traveller's pit stop. www.bluecottages.co.za

High on beer This is Colin Ntshangase, a cricket loving Zulu and the brew master at Hops Hollow which is at the top of the Long Tom Pass in Mpumalanga. Colin recommends the Mac’s Porter ale which he tells me he formulated with women in mind. He says it has a “malty creamy fullness, smooth as silk”. Hops Hollow, outside Mashishing, claims to be the highest brewery in Africa - it’s 2150m above sea level. www.hopshollow.co.za

Wild horse grooves We day trippers beat a steady path up the steep pass to the eccentric misty village of Kaapsehoop in the mountains outside Mbombela. The Bohemian Groove Café is the soul spot here. Kaapsehoop was once a gold rush town - for about ten minutes -  and today is famed for its wild horses and lovely walks, as well as a cast of interesting local characters, bistros, bars and fabulous people. www.bohemiangroovecafe.co.za

Change your relaxing style We take the road to Vutuwangadzebu, deep in the heart of Vhembe district in Limpopo, and end up high in the rural villages apparently very far away from everything. So it’s completely fabulous to find a cold beer and some surprised looking locals at the Speakeasy Entertainment Hub. Don’t change your lifestyle said the billboard outside, change your relaxing style. Yebo yes. www.nightjartravel.com

Ten green bottles I am very impressed by the wall of green Jagermeister bottles that forms the display at Biker’s Rest bar in Graskop, on the Panorama Route in Mpumalanga. In case you didn't know, Jagermeister is a digestif made with 56 different herbs. And this is a real biker spot, like pub and grub like, with flags and paraphernalia and stuff so don't expect craft gin or canapes.

Another roadside attraction The crazy Toeka se Dae is on the R516 to Bela Bela, off the N1 to Limpopo. The décor is wacky - corrugated iron walls, road signs turned into tables, a bright orange Shooter Bar. I have a tequila. The waitress' name is Bella from Bela Bela. She had another late night she said and recommended the freshly baked bread from the deli. www.toekasedae.co.za

  

I know I had a beer here once because I took this picture. It was en route Carolina or Piet Retief or somewhere in the wetlands regions on Mpumalanga, details sketchy. I love this mural on the walls of the Kuyawiso Tavern. I am also struck by the similarity in style to the mural below which is from a bar in northern Malawi. 

Latitude with attitude

This is one of a series of images that greeted me when I walked into Latitude 15, a hip hotel in the Zambian capital of Lusaka. Insouciant if not downright subversive, these images were taken by Zambian-based French photographer Francois d’Elbee as part of a calendar produced by the hotel. I wanted to applaud, salute, break into song or do a little jig of joy. At last, style with content. A hotel that gives the middle finger to dull décor, regulation-issue melamine, old-fashioned hospitality attitudes and the homophobia so often sadly associated with Africa. Sigh. The Ministry of Fabulousness found its soul home. 

Love this x

Everything from the architecture to the appetizers is a distillate of Zambian homegrown with an international twist. Along with the delightful calendar series, there are paintings and photographs by Zambian and South African artists, like Greg du Toit and Dave Ballam. Dyed ostrich feather hats line the corridors, the lounge features eclectic furniture and fireplaces, stylised wooden benches, recycled glass chandeliers, wooden doors turned into coffee tables. The bedrooms are spacious and sumptuous with privacy and connectivity, never mind the mini bar. Oh bliss.

“Latitude 15 was designed for travellers by travellers”, says James Lightfoot, one of the directors of the Latitude group. “And artwork is one of our defining concepts”. They saw a gap in the market for hip and happening boutique hotels in Africa, he says, and first started Latitude 13 in Lilongwe, then Latitude 15 in Lusaka; both renovated houses resplendent with funky décor and dynamic, spirited hospitality. “The brand”, he says, “is all about social engagement and meeting people”. They also own Kaya Mawa on Likoma Island in the north east of Lake Malawi, one of the sexiest places I have ever visited. And the group has bought properties in Addis Ababa in Ethiopia and Nairobi in Kenya. 

Kaya Mawa, Malawi 

There’s a frenzy of building activity next door to Latitude 15 where the hotel is shortly opening a club called The Other Side, which is a first for Lusaka – a collaborative and dedicated office space offering pods with hot desking and bean bagging, similar to Soho Works in London, or We Work in New York. The idea is for professionals, entrepreneurs and freelancers to be able to work in a private club with high speed Wi-Fi, healthy food and spa and gym facilities.

That's me in the wedding dress 

I wasn’t in the mood for work however. I just wanted to hang out in the lounge and bar, watch the people meet and drink and engage. I went back into the reception to study the calendar photographs. They really are cheeky, ripping off everything from the ad industry, the Mafia and Father Xmas to colonialism and conservatism. There’s even one that has Oscar Pistorius’ blades sticking out of a bathroom door as a Reeva lookalike lies happily in bed reading and the chamber maid cleans up the blood. Oh yes, this is latitude with attitude. Bring it on.

 

Subversive photographs by Francois d'Elbee

The Immaculate Sunset

Down and delicious at Lagoa Poelela, southern Mozambique

Just what is it about an immaculate sunset? Is it the colour, the timing, the feeling it brings? Its meaning is quite different to a sunrise, which for me is the joyous outbreak of new possibility. A sunset is the slow farewell, the heart breaking goodbye, the last kiss before the lover gets on the train. It is pain and pleasure. It is the onset of darkness, the end of reason. It is Hesperian depression exquisitely personified.

I have spent a good part of my life as a travel writer chasing the immaculate sunset. And I’m pleased to say I found one a while back at Lagoa Poelela, near Inhambane, in southern Mozambique. We are 1hour 15 from Inharrime said their SMS with directions. Sunset at 5pm. It was all the bait we needed to put foot. From the main EN1, we turned off the road to Ponta Zavora, upcoming dive-n-surf spot, and barrelled down coconut lane (Inhambane province has over 3 million coconut trees) arriving within half an hour of the sun set.

Oh my.

High drama on the Indian Ocean 

To the distant thrum of the unseen sea behind enormous dunes, the orange sun and the copper waters of Lagoa Poelela performed an extraordinary, almost obscene, farewell dance. As the sun slipped sexily down the skies, there were pink and coral clouds, wild bronze and mackerel silver reflections. Flocks of birds shadowed the sky. The jetty poles stood in black silhouette. We stood in wonder.

Well just for a moment. Then we quickly got out cameras, being media types and all, graciously accepted G&Ts and got stuck into the perfect sunset. Chatting, snapping, sipping, more snapping. Once upon a donkey’s years ago I worked for a travel magazine whose delightful curmudgeon of an editor, if you’ll indulge the paradox, made his young underling photojournalists swear they would never, ever, on any account whatsoever submit a photograph of a sunset. He would have no truck with chocolate box rubbish he said, sunsets were simply natural occurrences that happened daily and did little to expand our understanding of humanity or travel. I spent many unhappy hours restraining myself (those were pre-digital days, we used film, expensive film) from taking sunset photographs, even in the Zambezi where they are famously wild and red.

“This one’s for you bru”, I said out loud, as I snapped my thousandth shot of the perfect Lagoa Poelela sunset.

The sunrises aren't too bad either 

Lagoa Poelela faces due west and is an eco-lodge with pleasant self-catering chalets overlooking the shores of Lagoa Poelela, a lake that never reaches the sea. It’s pretty surreal because you hear the sea but you can’t see it. It’s about 2km away over the dunes, and you can walk there or drive.  The lagoa (lake) covers around 76kms square and is surrounded by wetlands, estuaries and coconut groves. It’s fairly low in salinity (you could mix it with whisky at a push) and high in birdlife. Plenty, plenty birds.

The okes here quite rightly decided not to allow any motorised activities alongside the shores of this gentle lagoa, no quad bikes, no motor boats, no jet skis. So it’s very Zen hanging out here. I think the best thing to do is to slip off quietly on a kayak and go explore the mangroves and estuaries. It’s a gentle pursuit, and very good for the tits, girls. Move slowly and lightly, quietly, through the waters, exploring lagoa’s edge, listening to the birds, eyeing the silver horizon …. 

Loving the Afro-brolly on the beach at high tide 

For more information check out www.mozambiquehappenings.com 

or www.safarinow.com;