Seven great Jozi jols

Jol is one of my favourite South African words, short and upbeat and basically meaning to have a good time. So I go on the jol as we say, and together with friends discover the fabulous new side of this crazy cowboy city. Here are my seven best Jozi jols:

The Marabi Club I fall in love with this jazz bar and its pop up restaurant called The Potluck Club. This is Afro New York at its sexiest. Gorgeous Nigerian doormen dressed in black, Art Deco interiors that evoke Johannesburg in the 20s, a long stylish wooden bar where charming waiters peddle intriguing cocktails; smoky live jazz while you eat. I have the Thai Green Curry Cocktail which is so fabulous I have another one, William and Sally have enormous designer G&Ts, Phil has a lot of whisky. We jol in the chic cigar lounge, we feel hip, we meet people, the food is brilliant, the music is delightful. I never want to leave. www.themarabiclub.com

Hallmark House So I spend the night at Hallmark House which is conveniently next to the Marabi Club, First we admire the views from Phil’s apartment and ooh and aah at the nightlights of Hillbrow where I once used to jol too. Hallmark is a fabulous new addition to the Maboneng area, although this is actually New Doornfontein. They’re styling it as African New York, so the first five floors are the hotel and there are apartments above, and small shops and art and of course the jazz club. A great jazz-jol-sleep-over combo. The rooms are hip with slender balconies and killer urban views. There’s a spacious meet n' greet space downstairs looking onto the street, with a bar, restaurant and coffee shop. 

  www.newmarkhotels.com/accommodation/hotels/hallmark-house/

The Rooftop Bar Tour Tony, Lee and I Uber it to Newtown and get on the bus with forty others and we go to six different bars in and around Braamfontein, Maboneng and downtown Jozi. It’s a think and drink tour. Our fearless leader is the delightful Gerald of Joburg Places who does a brilliant talk at each bar, describing the boom and bust of Jozi which has fallen and risen six times, a bit like some of the people at the end of the tour. We have the best jol. It hails, then the sun comes out, the views are astonishing, the drinks are strong, the rooftops are hip and happening, the bars are trendy, the people are friendly. There is a spectacular sunset down Albertina Sisulu Street. It’s night. The drunker we get the friendlier and louder we all become on the bus, the more exited we get about Jozi city - the style, the regeneration, the friendliness. We are more fun than a barrel of monkeys. We carry on the jol to the Troyeville Hotel. www.joburgplaces.com

The Fabric Tour Willie and I hit the fashion district in downtown President Street in style. We start our tour at a hip coffee shop called The Fashion Shack and led by Ishvara of Ancient Secrets. He explains the origins of the area and trade, the stories of the cloth. We wander through the small shop selling fabrics from Nigeria, Ghana, Tanzania, Kenya and different parts of South Africa. Kangas, capulanas, kente, Masai tartan. The colours are beautiful, we meet tailors and traders. I buy a funky cap and a mat, Willie gets shoes. www.inyourpocket.com/johannesburg/african-fabric-tour_7642e

Keyes Art Mile I have a few hours to kill so I slip into Southern Guild on Rosebank's Art Mile to see an exhibition by the interestingly named Porky Hefer. He has crafted a series of sleeping pods inspired by things like the workings of the weaver bird. I love this pod, it's a very good post-jol pod indeed. I also visit the Everard Read Gallery which is one of my favourite spaces, and Circa gallery next door where I climb to the top and check out the views to the north. www.keyesartmile.co.za

The Roving Bantu Kitchen This fabulous shebeen style spot adds love and life to the historic suburb of Brixton. We drink Zamalek and talk about jazz and freedom and Sifiso the Roving Bantu himself comes to say hi, then we chat to the lovely Ashley and a tourist from Berlin.  The soul food is delicious and the conversation continues...www.facebook.com/rovingbantu

WAM Bam, bam. Maxine, Kirsten and I go to Wits Art Museum (WAM) to see the Andy Warhol exhibition which is fabulous and and makes us want to listen to Lou Reed and Velvet Underground. We set off the alarm by mistake when we pose too closely in front of Uncle Sam for a selfie. The collection of Warhol’s work is impressive and just being in the museum space is uplifting. We catch an espresso at the coffee shop downstairs and talk about life and art and how trendy Braamfontein has become.  www.wits.ac.za/wam/

Signs of the time

I take great delight in wacky and quirky road signs and murals. Roadside semiotics is one of the great joys of travel. Like when I’m deep in rural Limpopo, for example, and encounter the sign for a tombstone business that advertises Free Erections. Or when I am on a remote island in Lake Malawi and I see the Honolulu Bottle Store. It’s not just about the signs themselves, it’s about the time and the place too. Here are some of my recent favourites:

Swazi gold I'm cruising down the King's Highway from Mbabane to Ezulwini in Swaziland, destination the delicious Afro-Gaudi-esque House on Fire. I stop for a tequila in a dodgy bar - as one does - and I am rewarded shortly afterwards by this gem outside the official Swazi parliamentary buildings. www.house-on-fire.com

Complete Somebody I feel a strange sadness when I pass this sign near the University of Limpopo on the R71 between Polokwane and Tzaneen in Limpopo province. The name apparently comes from the days of Forced Removals under apartheid when the victims who were re-settled here called their barren new wasteland Nobody. Does anyone know more about the story of this name, I wonder? www.golimpopo.com

Which way? “Do you think all roads out here lead to Vhutuwangadzebu?” I ask my traveling friend. “Or is it a circular drive?" “When you see a fork in the road,” he says, “take it”. So being from the Robert Frost School of Roads Less Traveled By (read his famous poem The Road Not Taken) I turn right to Vhutuwangazebu, and as Frost himself would have said, that has made all the difference. Can you spot the difference? www.golimpopo.com

A clear message There’s no real subtlety to this mural on the road near Makhado in northern Limpopo but there’s no mistaking the clarity of the message. I love the fact that it’s on someone’s house. I have to stop and shoot it, but being a fair-weather vegetarian I don’t knock on the door to find out more. Poor Piggy and Chicken. www.golimpopo.com/vhembe

The search for happiness ends here How can one not feel instant joy at the sight of the Happy Cigarettes Shop & Hair Cut Salon? For some reason we are in Mpumalanga’s grasslands and wetlands region and we stop for whisky and gwaai in Ermelo. Later there’s a big, wild storm and we are happy to be indoors with our happy cigarettes and happy whisky too. www.mpumalanga.com

Dreamy lion I have an inordinate fondness for hand painted murals and I fall instantly in love with Dreamy Lion. We are at a bar called Boa Vista which is on the edge of Manica, an edgy, restless market town in western Mozambique. We drink cold Dosh-Em, the local beer, and gaze happily down on the Incomati River snaking its way through the flatlands beyond. www.mozambiquetourism.co.za

What’s in a name I leave Tzaneen, in Mopani district, for Elim in Vhembe district. I take the R36, then the R81 to Giyani, and then on a whim I decide to go via Lemondokop which will lead me to the R578 which is were I want to be led. I am somewhere in between Sephukhubje and Ximausa and am thrilled to find the Dotcom Hair Salon. It’s washing day here, and it’s also down the road from the Jealous Supermarket. www.shiluvari.com

Shoot me I just love this mural for a photographic studio in rural southern Mocambique. To be honest I’m not really sure where we are – just barreling along some lonesome dust road between Bilene and the next cold beer... www.mozambiquetourism.co.za

Terra da boa gente The Mozambicans have their own wonderful style of murals, with a seventies feel and interesting colour. I really like this guy and his wine bottles. We are at a little restaurant in the shade in Maracuene for the annual Gweza Muthini festival, it’s only 9 in the morning and already 42 degrees. The festival marks those who died resisting colonial rule in the 1895 Battle of Marracuene. The festival is supposed to involve the killing of a hippo and the kuphalha (invocation of the ancestors) but the hippos have fucked off and these days some poor goat is sacrificed instead.

Travels with a giant pencil

We kick start our adventures by setting out for the Lowveld Book Festival in White River in Mpumalanga. I drive, obviously, but we are delayed by an hour long traffic jam on the N12 trying to leave Jozi. At least this means the service delivery protests blocking the N4 near eMalahleni are cleared by the time we get there. Eventually we are happily barreling down the glorious Schoemanskloof Pass towards Mbombela. www.lowveldbookfestival.co.za

Love at first write In my eternal quest for the perfect travel companion, I come across Pencil in Port Elizabeth of all places. “I’m portable, wacky and most appropriate for a writer”, he chirps from next to the other giant pencils on this curio stand in a market in the Boardwalk hub. “I’m also cheap, take that the way you want to”. Pencil slips happily into my bespoke Barok handbag made by the fabulous Merle Payne. www.suninternational.com/boardwalk/

Pencil this in We meet the charming festival director Louis van der Merwe. “The Lowveld Book Festival is in its second year”, he tells us, “the numbers are up, interest has been piqued”. We pose in front of the lovely ticky creeper in the Casterbridge Centre where the festival is held. The festival focuses on South African literature but with a Lowveld twist. Or Slowveld as we say around these parts. www.lowveldbookfestival.co.za

Pencils do read Pencil and I check out all the fun of the fair. There are panel discussions, author interviews, talks and workshops held in three different venues in the Casterbridge Centre. The centre itself has a Barnyard Theatre, various designer shops, lovely restaurants, bistros, coffee shops and watering holes. And book stalls. We meet Suzanne Tourner from White River Book Dealers. Pencil digs her book stand – collectibles and Africana. www.facebook.com/readbooks.behappy/

Some lead in my pencil We get thirsty when we see the next stand is Porcupine Ridge. "The wine is free", says the lovely Sue who has the unenviable task of controlling the bottles. I know this well. I went to the Kingsmead Book Fair and the Franschhoek Literary Festival earlier this year, both were awash with wine from our sponsors Porcupine Ridge. But I didn't know that the label was drawn by the late artist Zakkie Eloff of White River?  www.boekenhoutskloof.co.za 

Pencil does a panel Oh my goodness, Pencil and I remember I am also a writer and we rush to participate in a panel. It’s called Roads and Stories. We pose for a photo op alongside Fikile Hlatswayo, author of the hilarious and subversive Blacks do Caravan; and the sexy Adam Cruise who has written up his fabulous adventures in and out of the Kalahari in King Solomon the Showman.  We are in conversation with Nicky Manson, editor of Lowveld Living who lets us all tell our very different stories. www.lowveldbookfestival.co.za

Pencil makes friends There are lots of artists, writers, poets, musicians and other shysters in the Slowveld. I connect with some of them for dinner. This bunch are from Hoedspruit and are delighted to meet Pencil. The feeling is entirely mutual. From left is Karin Mitchell, former investigative journalist turned writer who is about to blow us all away with her first book - watch this space; myself, Pencil, Liam Patrick McKay, an Irish-Australian former journalist turned anti-rhino poacher extraordinaire, and his fabulous partner Laura Matter, a teacher and intellectual from California. We laugh and drink and talk. ww.hoedspruit.co.za

Mightier than the sword Pencil proves to be a big hit with the people of the Lowveld Book Festival. Everyone wants to hold him and make a joke. The pencil is mightier than the sword is a good one. Sharp sharp. We sign some books and even some menus and napkins and meet lovely new people. www.lowveldbookfestival.co.za

Pencil wanna party! There are so many other fabulous folk at the Lowveld Book festival. We meet poets Athol Williams and Thlookomelo Mashile, we bump into radio personalities Gareth Cliff and Sam Cowan, we say hi to authors Mario Cesare and Tony Park; we meet investigative journo Sizwe Yende who chronicles corruption and assassination in Mpumalanga; we believe the fifth Mrs Andre Brink is here then we bump into Tracy McDonald ex Penguin Books and then Cheryl Arthur who is a fashion designer and things go a bit blurry. Pencil ends up drunk and naked. www.mtpa.co.za

Sleepy pencil Next morning Pencil and I are tired but happy. “Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience", he says quoting author GK Chesterton, "if only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling”. “In spite of everything I shall rise again,” I reply, quoting artist Vincent van Gogh: “I will take up my pencil, which I have forsaken in my great discouragement, and I will go on”. www.brainyquotes.com

A few lovely dogs I met on my travels

What’s for breakfast? We’re just sitting down to a long, lazy beach side breakfast, when this curly tailed guy comes trotting along to see what’s on today’s menu. We’re at Villa n Banga, a laid back rustic spot tucked into jungle greenery right on the beach at the far end of Nyabanga village, about 20km from Bilene in southern Mozambique. I’m pretty sure he went for the peixe grelhada and frangos. Villa n Banga has spacious tents, a fabulous outdoor bar and restaurant with first class island-style kitsch. www.villanbanga.co.za

Miro from Pleasure Bay Miro the archetypal insatiable Duracell Jack Russell joins us on a sunrise walk along the beach at Pleasure Bay, near Paindane in southern Mozambique. He chases the waves, he swims, he frolics, he body surfs, he digs the sand, he chases seagulls, he pees on flotsam and jetsam, he greets the fishermen – and that’s just in the first five seconds. As we return, exhausted, hours later, Mira dashes excitedly off with the next lot of beach goers. Pleasure Bay has lovely self-catering chalets and if you really want to escape Miro go diving and check out the famous Manta Reef and Lighthouse Reef sites. www.pleasurebay.net

Say cheese, actually don't worry, just lie there Pedro lies in a sunbeam in a near comatose state of bliss at the lovely Klein Rivier Cheese place in Stanford, near Hermanus in the Western Cape. He and his brother Pancho just love their life on this beautiful farm. Almost as much as they love the cheese here which is made using age-old artisanal methods. Locally sourced, pasture fed cows, no hormones or antibiotics. Mmmm. I spend a very happy day here drinking wine, nibbling on delicious cheeses and admiring Pedro and Pancho's attitude. www.kleinrivercheese.co.za

Chocolate box cuties Both rescue dogs, Missy and Django, now live it up in total paradise on a glorious organic farm on the outskirts of Haenertsburg village in Limpopo province. Their mother is the lovely Marloe Scott-Wilson who rescues everything. Missy and Django share their paradise with other dogs, cats and two horses. Sometimes there's even room for Marloe's husband! The village of Hanertsburg and the surrounding Magoebaskloof has many dog friendly spots. www.mountaingetaways.co.za

Jock of the Bushveld Every time I visit Barberton in Mpumalanga, I go and say howzit to Jock of the Bushveld, one of the Lowveld's most famous four footers. His story is told in the classic Jock of the Bushveld by James Percy Fitzpatrick. It's the true story of his bush adventures with his Staffie, Jock, during the 1880s, when Fitzpatrick worked as a storeman, prospector's assistant, journalist and ox-wagon transport rider. It's a violent book. Jock does a lot of fighting and killing. It's also sad 'cos he gets run over in the end. But hey, Barberton is a cool place and there's loads of bars. www.barberton.co.za

Do they know it’s Krismas? I just love Krismas, this complete gentleman of a hound who looks after my lovely cousin Vanessa. They live in Port Alfred in the Eastern Cape. Vanessa is famous for her daily sunrise shots on East Beach and so we get up at dawn and walk with Krismas. It’s winter and fah-reezing. But Krismas is happy. We jump and get our paws wet. Port Alfred is the friendly heart of the Sunshine Coast, famed for its wide, clean beaches and warm Indian Ocean waters. There are gorgeous self-catering beach cottages up and down this coast. www.sunshinecoasttourism.co.za

Finally I meet the famous white wire fox terrier Snowy, Tintin's faithful hound - and would you believe, it's in the middle of Khao Sok National Park, deep in the jungles of Thailand? Khao Sok is like the Amazon of Thailand. Think dense virgin jungle and surreal limestone formations, a deep lake and exotic flowers. But Tintin won't let Snowy come walking with me. www.khaosok.com

The Rockster This is Rocky. He is in his favourite place - on the lap of his mother Nina van Heerden, the creative brains behind the amazingly beautiful Sequoia Garden Retreat in Magoebaskloof. Go now for their spring spectacle as the azaleas and cherry trees burst in blossom. www.sequoiastay.com

The beast from the east Two Pack lives in Cradock in the Eastern Cape but we meet briefly this time in Port Alfred. He’s a travelling hound on the road with his owners Chris and Julie Marais. They are storytellers extraordinaire, bringing us tales of the Karoo in their books and wonderful website. I walk one wintry morning in Cradock with Two Pack and then he comes and watches me bath. www.karoospace.co.za  

Loving the licks If I remember correctly, this delightful hound gatecrashed our beach party at Praia de Peixe, a fabulous getaway in Macaneta, a short hop from Maputo. With the Indian Ocean on one side and the Incomati River on the other, the Macaneta peninsula is the charmer of Mozambique’s Maputo province. Think white sands, blue waters, friendly people and a laidback island vibe. And friendly dogs. www.praiadepeixe.com

Ten Rural Bars You've Probably Never Been To

Ruby Tuesday I order a Tipo Tinto, meaning island spirit, the local rum, and fall hopelessly in love with this quirky, unpretentious bar at Ruby’s Backpackers on the far flung island of Ilha de Moҫambique some 2000 km north of the Mozambican capital of Maputo. It's tucked into the heart of Stone Town on this historic island which was settled in the 8th century and is now a UNESCO World Heritage Site because of its amazing coral rock buildings and architecture. What a powerful sense of history.   www.facebook.com/pg/RubyBackpackers/about/ 

Happy mercado You must pay for the cold Dosh Em (fabulous signature Mozambican beer) but the ukulele tunes are free at this small baracas in the mercado in Bilene, southern Mozambique. Bilene is a happy, shabby lagoon 'n seaside town an hour plus from Maputo. I don’t know why, but I just love this mercado so. It makes me want to laugh and drink rum, sing songs, slap my thigh. It's a warren of stalls selling food and drink and stuff. People gather here to haggle, trade, gossip, drink beer, watch soccer and sell just about anything from cashew nuts to cell phone covers. www.mozambiquetourism.co.za

Name of the game The Hang Over Bottle Store and its adjoining beer garden is a fabulous place to have a few G&Ts if you happen to find yourself in the middle of the market in Likoma Island in north eastern Malawi. Which I do. The island is charming and lapped by the waters of Lake Malawi, lake of stars. The Malawian gin - Waragi - is clear and strong. And Likoma Island is a great address. To its north is Tanzania, to its west Mozambique, east, Zambia, and all around, Malawi. ww.malawitourism.com

And Englishmen Even though my ship has still not come in, I always love coming to this bar with its neon sign and beautiful wooden counter at Mad Dogs Café near Hoedspruit. In my years of travelling between Limpopo and Maputo, I stopped here often, either for an early coffee or a late afternoon vino depending on whether I'd come down or up the escarpment through the Strijdom Tunnels above the Olifants River. This is a classic traveller's pit stop. www.bluecottages.co.za

High on beer This is Colin Ntshangase, a cricket loving Zulu and the brew master at Hops Hollow which is at the top of the Long Tom Pass in Mpumalanga. Colin recommends the Mac’s Porter ale which he tells me he formulated with women in mind. He says it has a “malty creamy fullness, smooth as silk”. Hops Hollow, outside Mashishing, claims to be the highest brewery in Africa - it’s 2150m above sea level. www.hopshollow.co.za

Wild horse grooves We day trippers beat a steady path up the steep pass to the eccentric misty village of Kaapsehoop in the mountains outside Mbombela. The Bohemian Groove Café is the soul spot here. Kaapsehoop was once a gold rush town - for about ten minutes -  and today is famed for its wild horses and lovely walks, as well as a cast of interesting local characters, bistros, bars and fabulous people. www.bohemiangroovecafe.co.za

Change your relaxing style We take the road to Vutuwangadzebu, deep in the heart of Vhembe district in Limpopo, and end up high in the rural villages apparently very far away from everything. So it’s completely fabulous to find a cold beer and some surprised looking locals at the Speakeasy Entertainment Hub. Don’t change your lifestyle said the billboard outside, change your relaxing style. Yebo yes. www.nightjartravel.com

Ten green bottles I am very impressed by the wall of green Jagermeister bottles that forms the display at Biker’s Rest bar in Graskop, on the Panorama Route in Mpumalanga. In case you didn't know, Jagermeister is a digestif made with 56 different herbs. And this is a real biker spot, like pub and grub like, with flags and paraphernalia and stuff so don't expect craft gin or canapes.

Another roadside attraction The crazy Toeka se Dae is on the R516 to Bela Bela, off the N1 to Limpopo. The décor is wacky - corrugated iron walls, road signs turned into tables, a bright orange Shooter Bar. I have a tequila. The waitress' name is Bella from Bela Bela. She had another late night she said and recommended the freshly baked bread from the deli. www.toekasedae.co.za

  

I know I had a beer here once because I took this picture. It was en route Carolina or Piet Retief or somewhere in the wetlands regions on Mpumalanga, details sketchy. I love this mural on the walls of the Kuyawiso Tavern. I am also struck by the similarity in style to the mural below which is from a bar in northern Malawi. 

Life, art, good taste

I encounter a diversity of aesthetics in recent travels to Polokwane and Port Elizabeth, unlikely bedfellows; with some Zambia thrown in. My journey takes me in and out of Art Deco, Rococo-meets-Boere-Baroque, modern Zen Bush Chic and Hip with an African Twist. As tenderness is the grace of the heart, they say, style is the grace of the mind. Here are some of the highlights:  

Art and Life I never want to leave this place. The hippest hotel in Mandela Bay - No 5 Boutique Art Hotel in Port Elizabeth’s Summerstrand. Think luxury Art Deco designed to feel like a salon privé from those heady days in Paris in the 20s, with a Champagne Bar, period furniture and glassware, a piano, cocktails. Except you’re in PE bru, and there’s a beach within walking distance, even better, there’s a bar right next to the pool. And – faints with delight – the most fabulous collection of South African art including works by William Kentridge, Robert Hodgins, Sam Nhlengethwa and Henk Serfontein.www.no5boutiquehotel.com

Hot Desks, Good Art This fabulous photograph by Zambian-based French photographer Francois d’Elbee hangs in the main lounge of The Works, a new business space that’s part of Latitude 15 in the Zambian capital Lusaka. The Works is a first for Lusaka – a collaborative and dedicated office space offering pods with hot desking and bean bagging, similar to Soho Works in London, or We Work in New York. www.latitudehotels.com

Rembrandt Comes to Polokwane  These gold framed portraits by the famous Dutch painter Rembrandt look down from the walls of Saskia's Restaurant (named after the artist's wife and muse,) which will soon be filled with the contented chatter of the black diamonds who so love this place. They're fake paintings, I may add, not that that puts anyone off the Fusion Boutique Hotel, undoubtedly Polokwane's most luxurious, and in parts, outlandish. Try the Hollywood or Bollywood suites if you’re feeling fanciful.www.fusionhotel.co.za.

Zen Bush Chic Deliciosa I love the simplicity and modernity of the tents at King Lewanika Lodge all the way out in the Liuwa Plains National Park in western Zambia. My intrepid compatriot Sally Young and I are the only guests in camp for three days. It's a real tough job but we feel we must do it. Designed by South African architects Silvio Rech and Lesley Carstens, this is my Soul Space of the year so far. www.timeandtideafrica.com

Nautical Kitsch Pool I confess that I fall in love this with this pool at the Boardwalk Hotel in Port Elizabeth. It’s so determinedly old fashioned, so nautically kitsch, it could be straight out of a colonial yacht club. The Boardwalk is a big, busy hotel right in the middle of the beachfront hub, with lovely views of the Indian Ocean. www.suninternational.com/boardwalk/

So Long Ethno Bongo Loving the clean Swedish lines and cool colours at the Park Inn by Radisson Polokwane of all places. A gal gets tired of all the ersatz animal prints, wooden carvings and horns. I trawl around Polokwane, there are more trendy place than I realize, although many decorating atrocities continue to be committed in the name of the province’s signature safari style. www.parkinn.com/hotel-polokwane