I have been trying desperately to think of one good thing about 2016. Brexit, Trump, Syria, drowned refugees, bomb blasts, terror attacks, the drought, the death of David Bowie, Black Friday, violence on campus, my personal life, oh dear, heartbreak, writing a painful book, losing a pet, moving house. I’ve been thinking about it all week.
Where is that one
little ray of sunshine?
And it then it just
struck me.
It has just struck me that
this is the very first year in my adult life I haven’t been a South
African crime statistic. Can you imagine that? I mean like, no crime has been
committed against me, and as far as I remember, I haven’t committed a crime.
It might not seem like
a big deal to you, but to me it is a startling and wonderful revelation. In the
past thirty years I have been mugged many times, held at knifepoint, held at
gunpoint, thieved and burgled more than I can count, robbed of three or four
cars, armed robbed, home invaded, attacked and stabbed in the head, had all my
possessions stolen; and then again. I've been to the cops more than thirty times in thirty years. You know, it’s like South Africa.
I can’t even begin to come
up with an inventory of stolen things, apart from my whole life, except to note
that there was one ghetto blaster that had serious street voodoo and managed to
not get stolen for close on twenty something years before dying a natural
appliance death in rural Limpopo. God alone knows how that ghetto
blaster pulled it off.
So howabout that then? All
of a freelance Friday, here I am, the chosen one, finally that fabulous statistic.
I have been granted one whole crime free year in South Africa. And it feels great. Send champagne, send whisky, send fresh horses, send love; send a SA Crime Stats Award in chrome; send strength to the
constitutional democracy’s arm. Oh wait, send some artisanal gin if you could. I’ve
noticed – heh - there is a G&T revolution sweeping the country. Think amber,
verde, rooibos infused, black pepper, basil, cucumber, decolonised.
* Images courtesy of the Latitude Group & Francois d'Elbee x
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